It’s been several weeks since I have written, and what is my excuse? Well… let’s see. I traveled back to Iowa for Thanksgiving, and then from Iowa we drove back and forth to Wisconsin. Then the following week, I studied my arse off for my first anatomy test and passed it (I had help from the Universe because *something* guided me to guess correctly on many of the questions on which I was uncertain!), and that afternoon I flew back to Iowa for a big project at work. Then last weekend I recuperated from the prior two weekends. And now it’s this weekend, and I’m preparing for yet another trip back to Iowa next week. But this should be the last trip home for awhile. We are closing on the house on the 21st, after which point Tim and I will BOTH officially “live in Florida.” Crazy. It’s been four months of limbo and uncertainty.
So there has been a lot going on. And maybe that is why I have been feeling down lately. I feel…unsettled, unsure of myself, uncertain of my place in this world, uncertain of newfound friends, unclear as to what my status is at work and at school, uncomfortable with the discomfort of trying something new and not being really good at it immediately. My standard methods of interacting with others are no longer providing the same tried and true results. So, I am floundering a bit as I try to regain my footing and figure out how to operate in the new paradigm of my life.
Yet with all the “Un-s” that I am, I would not say I am unhappy. I am just going through some very uncomfortable emotions right now. And to exacerbate that discomfort, is my feeling that I shouldn’t be FEELING these emotions. I am healthy, loved, and financially solvent. Life could be much, much worse. I have oodles of people and things for which to be grateful. I should not feel sad, lonely, hurt. I should encounter unsettling circumstances with equanimity, saying “What can this experience teach me?” I should be confidant in who and what I am and not let the behavior of other people so easily destroy my self-worth. I KNOW BETTER! I am stronger than this. My brain knows this. My body is sad and feels bad though, and I can’t talk the body out of its feels.
So, feeling sad sucks, but feeling bad about feeling sad sucks even more.
As usual, the Bliss & Grit girls are one step ahead of me. I listened to their most recent episode today on my walk – Episode 61: Should we Focus on Positivity? Basically, the gist is, it’s OK to NOT always be the peppy, happy, positive person. I can be sad, observe that I am sad, allow myself to be sad, and do so with self-directed tenderness. I just have to ride the ebb until I get back into the flow.
