TL:DR: I went on a hike. I learned I’m living life like it’s a practice run. And I’m offering a new weekly meditation class.
As you may remember from my last letter, in May I did a 5-day silent meditation retreat at Spirit Rock in Marin County, California. The retreat center is in gorgeous mountains just north of San Francisco, and the center is encircled by several miles of trails.
I love to hike, and I really wanted to check out the trails, but I am a fairly cautious, risk-adverse person. I was put off by the posted warnings about ticks, snakes, mountain lions, etc. as well as by the fact that due to the silent nature of the retreat, I would need to do the hike alone. Yet, this trip was about pushing me out of my comfort zone, and I was determined to take full advantage of what this beautiful place had to offer.
I got my feet wet by doing a short little 1-mile loop – the Two Arrows Trail. It was a beautiful little hike, and I survived unscathed. YAY!
My confidence bolstered by a few more short loops, by Tuesday, I set my sights on the Great Loop trail. This trail takes you up into the mountains behind the retreat center – into the wild. It’s only 3 miles, but I was told it would take about 2 hours, due to the amount of climbing involved. At the entrance to the trail, I paused to spray down my shoes, socks, and shoulders with anti-tick spray, and two fellow retreatants headed up the trail in front of me. As I struck out after them, I realized that, while the person in front of me was obviously out for a long hike, the lead person was doing THE SLOWEST POSSIBLE WALKING MEDITATION EVER. Lift foot, raise knee, lower foot, raise opposite foot, lift knee, lower foot. SO SLOW. He, for sure, had to notice the two women behind him chomping at the bit to get on up the trail. And he completely ignored us. We could, conceivably, go around him on the path, but… ticks. And also – it felt rude to rush past someone who was meditating.
We both walked oh so slowly behind him, frustration levels building. And also, I was trying to use this experience as a mindfulness exercise. “Oh, I’m annoyed at how self-centered this guy is being. How interesting! Or, am I the one that is being self-centered by assuming he should defer to my desire for speed? How interesting!”
Eventually the fellow turned off onto a different path, and the girl in front of me and I struck off into the hills. I don’t think she liked the sensation of me being so close on her heels, because she wandered off the path toward a lookout, and then my hike began in earnest.
I worked my way through some close brush that surrounded the path, and as I did so, I heard some rustling in the bushes. I felt better NOT knowing what that rustling was, so I powered on without checking to see what was making those alarming noises.
Eventually I passed the tree line and entered onto the sunbaked slope above, following steep switch-backs that took me to the very crest of the hill. By the time I got to the top, my heart was beating out of my chest, I was insanely hot, and I was 100% alone. The other girl was nowhere to be seen. It was just me, the sun, the grass, and the heat – my god the heat!
I contemplated turning around and going back down, afraid that the heat and sun and exertion would make me pass out and no one would find me until my bones were stripped clean by the coyotes. I drank some water, let my breath and heart settle and decided to keep moving forward.
As I crested another one of the hills, in the distance I could see one of the bridges of San Francisco! So beautiful! But I didn’t stop to really enjoy the view. In fact, I really didn’t pause AT ALL on the hike. My main goal was to get the trail done as quickly as possible, not die, and prove to myself that I could do it. And then, maybe, if I had time later in the week, I could do the hike again and actually ENJOY IT. Once I knew that I could safely navigate the hike, then on the 2nd time through, I could pause, relish the sights and sounds, enjoy the feeling of exerting myself, enjoy being away from civilization for some precious moments.
As I started the downhill portion of the hike, I had a flash of insight.
I LIVE MY LIFE AS IF IT’S A PRACTICE RUN – BELIEVING THAT ONCE I KNOW I WILL BE OKAY, THEN I CAN GO BACK THROUGH IT THE SECOND TIME AND ACTUALLY ENJOY IT.
Oh boy. What a fallacious belief. While I believe that reincarnation is possible and probably likely, I am certain that I will never be Heather again. I get just this ONE shot to live THIS life – to enjoy this life – to be ALIVE in this life. How can I embody that realization, that TRUTH, instead of just holding it as an interesting thought?
I’m trying to figure that out. think it means numbing less, feeling more, pushing out of my comfort zone, pausing more, appreciating more, fearing less, worrying less, trusting more, loving more, hurting more, learning what is a Yes for me and following it even if it’s scary.
What does it mean to you to be ALIVE in this life? What makes you feel alive? What uplifts you? What makes you feel expansive? What arouses “terrible longing” in you? (I’m not sure where I ran across that phrase, but it STUCK in my psyche as something that’s important).
That’s what I’ll be pondering this weekend. If you care to share your insights on these questions, I would love to hear them. <3
If you want to join me on this quest to live more fully, I have an invitation for you!
Many of us are stressed, overwhelmed, and burned out (burnt out??). And sometimes we are so stressed and overwhelmed, that we can’t even figure out where to start to begin to feel like a human BEING again. There are SO MANY little things that we can do to help our systems start to relax, slow down, and reboot. And these things don’t have to take much time. Two minutes of intentional breathing can be all it takes!
In that vein, I am offering a weekly online class, Wednesday Reset. It’s only 15 minutes. We’ll meet from 12:45PM-1PM, so hopefully you can squeeze it in over your lunch hour. It’s $5. We’ll explore meditation, movement, breathwork, and mindset work in little, bite-size integrationable (I really think that should be a word) chunks. It will be fun, fascinating, and freeing (my 4th grade English teacher would be so proud of my use of alliteration there). (I love parentheses).
Here’s the link, if you want to join me!
Love,
Heather
Space to be Human Lab
Do you want to feel a little bit more at home in your body? Here are a few options that can help!
- You can book a bodywork session here (prices range from $115 to $85).
- You can book a free Wellbeing Coaching consultation here. I am offering a 6-session coaching package for $240. You can read testimonials here.
- You can sign up for my $5 weekly 15 meditation/movement class here.
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