heather – Page 4

How to Time Travel

November 29, 2022 heather

Have you ever noticed that sometimes a minute, an hour, a day can just WHIZ away? Yet on other days, the clock actually seems to be moving in reverse?

Well, come to find out, time is really not linear! The past, present, and future all kinda exist simultaneously and can affect each other. And sometimes time can bulge out and you can accomplish wondrous things in 25 minutes, and sometimes it can cinch up, and all you get done is absolutely nothing of importance. We all have these experiences of clock time not matching with lived time. So what’s really going on?

Historically, time was viewed as being more cyclical – marked by the cycles of night and day, the cycles of the moon, the cycles of seasons, the cycles of life and death. However, according to Appreciative Coaching, with the spread of Christianity, the old ways of viewing time shifted – theologians believed that the world has a beginning and an end and that certain events are unique and unrepeatable.

Then Sir Isaac Newton came along with his concept of “Absolute Time,” which became how the world interpreted time:

Time moves along a fixed line from past to present to future; therefore, the past determines the future. A future event cannot change the past.
Time is absolute – meaning it is experienced the same for everyone and everything and is not dependent or enmeshed with other factors.

But, as is often the case, modern humans are beginning to realize that ancient humans actually DID have it right. Time is in fact, holistic:

Past, present, and future all exist as a whole and can influence each other, MEANING: Behavior change can be influenced not only by our Past, but by our Future, and our Present!
Time is not objective – people can experience time differently at different times depending on circumstances. MEANING: “BECAUSE IT IS SUBJECT TO REINTERPRETATION, THE PAST IS AS DYNAMIC AS THE PRSENT AND FUTURE.” (Appreciative Coaching, p. 64)

But why does all of this matter?

Because, if time is a bit floaty and stretchy and re-writeable, then we have so much more capacity and autonomy to change!

We can re-tell our past stories to pull out the good bits. Instead of looking back at the past and seeing our future doom, we can look back at the past and tease out the stories that support us. We can also look into our future and use that to guide our choices in the present.

“Holistic social scientists believe that as the present changes, so do the meanings of the past and future, and as the past and future change, so do the meanings of the present – simultaneously.” Appreciative Coaching p. 66

I know I talk about this stuff like ALL THE TIME, but I’m super jazzed to learn there is science to support this, AND I think it’s important to constantly be reminded that we can rewrite our stories. I live and breathe this stuff, yet still I often lose touch with the fact that I have so much power in my choices. I want to add, that re-creating our life stories is not easy, especially if we have unresolved trauma in the body connected to the stories and experiences. This is why I think it’s so important to work with both the cognitive mind and the feeling body during this process.

If you are willing, I would like to offer you an experiment. First, I invite you to take a moment and check in with your inner state. It can be helpful to close your eyes if you feel safe doing so. What is the level of tension in your body? What is your heart rate? How fast are you breathing? Then take 5-10 minutes and do some free-writing on this prompt:

Describe one of your greatest accomplishments to date. It can be anything in your personal life, your work life, your spiritual life.

Are you done writing?

I am curious, if you take a moment and again reconnect to your inner state, what has shifted? What do you notice in your levels of tension, your heart rate, and your breath? How are you now feeling about your past, present, and future?

And with that, I’m signing off!

Space to be Human Lab

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Last week I finished up my first year of Somatic Experiencing Trauma Training. If you are curious about how Somatic Experiencing (SE) work could help you slow down and tune in to the story your body and your nervous system needs to tell, reply to this email with your questions. Somatic work can be integrated into a bodywork session, or it can be done on its own either in-person or over Zoom.

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Awakening, Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Mindset, Pain, Trauma

Choose Your Own Adventure

November 13, 2022 heather

How much control do we have over our lives, really? Is our life dictated by our circumstances – our DNA, our families, where we were born, how much money our parents have? Or is our life dictated by our thoughts, feelings, and actions – which are all based on choices we can consciously make?

I love The Life Coach School podcast by Brooke Castillo. The podcast is full of mind-bending resets that help me see the world a little differently, at least for a little bit. In this podcast on handling adversity, Brooke talks about how we NEED adversity to get stronger. If we stay in our comfort zone, never pushing ourselves, never challenging ourselves, we never grow or get stronger. We actually get weaker, and our world gets smaller.

We have this innate capacity to blow our own mind with what we can create, but our stories and our desire for comfort and the safety of the known can keep us confined.

UNLESS

Unless we consciously CHOOSE DISCOMFORT. If we start to take the harder path, the path with more challenge, the path that forces us to try something different and to learn from it – then we can break out of the comfort bubble (which starts to become stifling and uncomfortable eventually anyway!) and see for ourselves what we are capable of.

Here is my crude drawing, trying to illustrate how, by being the Boss of our choices and consciously choosing to pursue challenge, we can touch into that realm of possibility and start to realize just how powerful we really are.

We don’t have to make massive shifts – just make a slightly different choice. For example, instead of veering towards ease (watching another episode of Hart of Dixie), veer just a bit towards struggle (which might mean just sitting for 2 minutes noticing how hard it is to resist the urge to watch another episode of Hart of Dixie).

While I was out walking and listening to this podcast this morning, the idea of this drawing struck me, and it seemed brilliant. In execution, well, it may not be AMAZE-BALLS, but it’s out of my comfort zone, so I’m at least heading in the right direction. POSSIBILITY, HERE I COME!! 😛

There will be no blog post next week, as I will be in Module 3 of my Somatic Experiencing class Thursday – Sunday. I hope you all have a fabulous couple of weeks! If you get bored and need something to read, you can find prior newsletters here. 😊

Space to be Human Lab

If you are experiencing pain in your body and want some help unwinding it, you can book a bodywork session here.
I am doing market research! If you could break out of your comfort bubble and lean into challenge, assured that by doing so you would become MORE YOU – more of who you know you can be, more of who you WANT to be, what actions would you take? What moves would you make? And what support would you need to have the courage to take that harder and more rewarding path? If you care to share your thoughts, please respond to this email. <3

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Awakening, Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Massage Therapy, Mindset, Pain

The Poetic Principle

November 6, 2022 heather

I’m no expert on quantum physics. Well, really I know very little about quantum physics, But what I gather, is that basically all potentialities exist, and only once something is observed, does it settle into being one thing over another. So everything around us is kind of EVERYTHING all at once until we look at it, and then it becomes a can of Waterloo, an iPhone, a book, a dark chocolate caramel cream. It kinda makes reality get a bit wonky and shifty and slippery. So maybe my understanding is wrong. Or maybe it isn’t. Or maybe me believing that this is what quantum physics IS makes quantum physics work that way in MY world.

I was reminded of this weirdness in quantum physics as I dove into the Week 4 reading for my coaching certification. I have a deep crush on two books in my class: Appreciative Coaching and Motivational Interviewing. Both of these books teach us that we can become masterful in our lives. We are not “problems to be solved but miracles and mysteries to be appreciated.” We are not slaves to the past. Small changes can lead to big differences in our life. And this:

THE ACT OF ASKING QUESTIONS INFLUENCES THE INDIVIDUAL (much like how, in quantum physics, being observed changes what’s being observed).

Just by asking a question, worlds can shift.

I’ve experienced this many time with my coaches. They’ll ask a question, and BAM! I sheepishly realize that I was seeing the situation with blinders on – only seeing the one negative interpretation when literally countless options of reality exist in which I can put my belief. With that one question, my world view shifted.

Appreciative Coaching introduced me to “The Poetic Principle,” which “suggests that life stories can be rewritten to better fit how clients see themselves in their present or future.” A person can take poetic license to reframe their story. We can re-imagine what our life experiences mean.

For example, for many years I was embarrassed by the fact that I didn’t get my bachelor’s degree right after high school like “normal” people. I went to community college for a bit, got married, worked part-time as a teller, became an admin assistant, then decided I needed to get a 4-year degree, so I went to college at night while working full-time. Then since all my coworkers were getting their MBAs, I decided I should get one too. I was already in school-mode, so why not just keep going? But I really felt as if I didn’t belong with everyone else in that program. They all had these college experiences of playing sports, living in dorms, partying, being involved in sororities and making amazing life-long friendships. I sorely regretted that I didn’t have that experience.

Now I look back on that time, and with my poetic license, I feel impressed with my drive and tenacity. I got my bachelor’s and my master’s while working full-time; I graduated with distinction, and I finished school with minimal student debt, as the bank I worked for offered tuition reimbursement. I kicked off a habit of life-long learning that has kept my mind active and which has taken me on journeys around the county and introduced me to so many brilliant people. I took the path less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

How would you re-write your story, to draw out and highlight your strengths? How can you discover and celebrate your successes? You could ask yourself some tough questions about your standard life story – Is that true? How do you know it’s true? What if the opposite was true? Who would you be if you believed in a different truth? (For more info on these types of questions, you can check out Byron Kate.).

And with that, I’m signing off. I need to baby myself a bit today because the time change has messed with my temporal existence, and I don’t know if it’s time to go to bed or time to go to lunch (and yes, I realize this is a story I’m telling myself about DST!!).

Happy Sunday My Peeps!

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I am doing market research! I’m looking for people who have a gap between where they are and where they want to be. I am curious about what has gotten in your way in the past, what kind of help you would want from a coach, and what life would look like to you if you were flourishing. If you are interested in sharing your thoughts with me, reply to this email with the words, “I want to chat,” and I’ll contact you with more details.

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Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Massage Therapy, Meditation

The Science of Self-Belief

October 30, 2022November 6, 2022 heather

Self-Efficacy. What the heck does that mean? Efficacy means “the power or to produce an effect.” So self-efficacy, is your belief in your power to effect something.

Our belief in what we are and are not capable of doing is the greatest determinant of what we actually are and are not capable of doing! Our BELIEF, mind you – this can be completely and utterly unrelated to FACT. The FACT is, we may be super smart, super creative, super gifted. But if our BELIEF is that we are a bit dim, we don’t have any original ideas, and there is nothing special about us – well, that’s the filter through which we see ourselves, and that’s the belief upon which we’ll make our choices.

For school I read a super interesting article on Social Cognitive Theory. This theory of human functioning states that we as humans have agency (meaning we have power over our actions/response; we are not victims of our circumstances) and “what people think, believe, and feel affects how they behave.” How we behave affects the results we get in life. So, humans are “influential in determining their own destiny.”

Perhaps you know someone like this (or perhaps this someone is you):

This person is special. She is brilliant, funny, a natural problem-solver. Anything broken, she can fix. She’s a hard worker – someone who won’t give up just because the problem is a tricksy one. She’s kind, considerate; someone who just naturally inspires respect.

She is presented with a new opportunity, a project that is just outside of her comfort zone – a challenge. She is afraid. She thinks she’s underqualified. She thinks she might fail. She believes that someone else – someone smarter, someone with more credentials, someone with more experience – would be a better fit.

Yet you look at her and go, “OMG. TAKE IT!!! DO IT!!! You would be SO awesome at this!!”

But her reality, her filter, is that she cannot do it. She doesn’t see what she’s capable of. So she doesn’t accept the challenge and learn and grow as a result of working through it. She doesn’t increase her mastery. She stays in the safe little box in which her self-image confines her.

Ugh! This is all just based on her BELIEF, not FACT.

But the good news is, self-efficacy beliefs CAN CHANGE! We can take on new challenges and improve our mastery. We can watch others who are similar to us and notice what they are accomplishing and realize, “Hey! She is a lot like me, and she did it! I could do it too!.” Our self-efficacy can also improve if we are around supportive people who provide positive feedback on our performance (e.g. a coach). We can also start to notice our moods and emotions and take steps to deal with stress in more effective ways and learn how to process negative emotional states, enabling us to no longer be completely derailed by stress, fear, and anxiety.

There is SO much more to dive into here, but I wanted to share this little intro because I think there is so much room for hope here. 1. We are not victims; we have power to change our perceptions and therefore our life. 2. We have the power to change our beliefs about who we are and our abilities. It requires awareness, support, and willingness to get uncomfortable, but it’s possible!

Belief in my own abilities is something that I have struggled with my whole life, but, as I reviewed some of the questionnaires that help you evaluate your self-efficacy, I realized, “Holy Sh!t. I’m getting better. I’M CHANGING!!” Here’s an article with some questions that might help you see where you fall on self-efficacy spectrum.

What is your truth? Do you believe you can change your behavior and your life by changing your belief about you?

Happy Sunday, my friends! Hope you have a BOO-tiful Halloween (get it??)!

Looking for feedback:

I am looking for smart women who feel dumb when it comes to taking care of themselves to help me do some market research. I want to hear what you want and need, what you are struggling with, what you would be SO HAPPY to achieve if you were to work with a coach. If you are interested in sharing your thoughts with me, you can book a 30 minute chat session here.

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November is just around the corner, and it’s already filling up fast. You can book a session here.

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Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Massage Therapy, Mindset, Pain

The BEST WAY to Keep Yourself Stuck

October 25, 2022 heather

Awakening, Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Massage Therapy, Meditation, Mindset, Pain, Productivity

Getting more bang for your Thinking Buck

October 16, 2022 heather

The human brain is a funny thing. In Dr. Betsy Rippentrop’s Yoga for the Mind class, I learned something that massively shifted my perspective. The human brain is like Teflon for the good stuff and Velcro for the bad stuff. The good flows right on by, and the bad just sits there and festers. This is a handy feature when the bad stuff can kill you, but in modern times, that “bad stuff” is often comprised of less deadly things such as your computer re-booting while you’re in the middle of crafting a nasty ol’ spreadsheet with lots of formulas and data that you have not yet saved, or getting (what you think) is a frustrated look from your boss in a meeting, or making a post on Instagram and getting only crickets in return. Yet, our mind fixates on those things, and we can quickly spin off into stories about how the world is crumbling and everyone and everything sucks, especially us.

So, what to do?

We must consciously focus on what is going well. Recognize that our brains have this tendency to catastrophize, so intentionally pro-tastrophize or opportunitize or miracalize. I cannot find an antonym to catastrophize, so I’m just making words up. But you get the picture.

Spend time thinking about what DID go right, what COULD go right, what IS going right in our day, in our body, in our life. Our body is constantly releasing a slew of chemicals in response to our thoughts that changes the soup in which our cells live, and that soup determines what our cells do and what genes are activated within them. We are not at the total mercy of the genes we carry. The genes that get activated are determined by the signals they get from their environment.

Want some proof of the importance of mindset? Check out this study: Mind-set Matters; Exercise and the Placebo Effect. Here’s a quote form the Abstract (underlining is mine):

In a study testing whether the relationship between exercise and health is moderated by one’s mindset, 84 female room attendants working in seven different hotels were measured on physiological health variables affected by exercise. Those in the informed condition were told that the work they do (cleaning hotel rooms) is good exercise and satisfies the Surgeon General’s recommendations for an active lifestyle. Examples of how their work was exercise were provided. Subjects in the control group were not given this information. Although actual behavior did not change, 4 weeks after the intervention, the informed group perceived themselves to be getting significantly more exercise than before. As a result, compared with the control group, they showed a decrease in weight, blood pressure, body fat, waist-to-hip ratio, and body mass index. These results support the hypothesis that exercise affects health in part or in whole via the placebo effect.

What the?? If we BELIEVE that what we are doing is good for us, our physiology changes to make it so!!! This is mind-blowing. Let’s say you are a person who feels as if you never get enough exercise. However, every morning, you walk down the stairs to brush your teeth, you bend over to get coffee out of the cupboard, you reach up to get a coffee cup, you let the dog out in the yard and toss the ball a few times and maybe chase the dog when it won’t give you the ball back. You walk back inside and go upstairs to get dressed, reaching to the top shelf in your closet for your sweater and squatting down to get the socks out of the bottom drawer.

Well, look at that. You actually got in a lot of movement – shoulder stretches, squats, a little cardio, some incline and declines. What if you started noticing all the ways you DO get enough exercise instead of telling yourself you are failing because you don’t go to the gym a few times a week. How would your body change?

What other stories could you tell yourself differently to shift how your body reacts to them? As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been working with a coach, Ariel Kiley. I email her my Wins whenever I think of them (e.g. I am winning at Sober October because I haven’t had a drink yet, or I am FULLY BOOKED this week, or my body told me to quit obsessing about WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE and just take a bath (which I did)). This is helping me counteract that negativity bias, and it’s also providing an electronic, searchable record of my Wins, so that I can pull them up when I feel poorly about myself. SO HELPFUL.

I hope you are having a great day!! If you need a Miracalize or Opportunize Partner, feel free to shoot me an email when you get a Win. <3

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Awakening, Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Massage Therapy, Meditation, Mindset, Pain, Trauma

Post-Traumatic Growth

October 9, 2022 heather

Do you ever feel as if you’re not good enough?

Do you feel as if you don’t have enough?

Do you often compare yourselves to others and judge yourself (or them) harshly as a result?

Do you berate yourself in your own head because you have these thoughts, but you feel as if you shouldn’t think or feel these things?

Do you want to know why these thoughts incessantly loop through your head?

BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN

In the 7^th century AD, yogi’s identified 3 main thoughts (and related feelings) that are endemic to all humans:I am not enough, which leads to feelings of shame and unworthiness. This is felt in the heart center and leads us to disconnect from Self and others.I am separate from others. This is felt in the head space, and it leads us to compare ourselves to others, leading to feelings of anger and bitterness.I don’t have enough. This is felt in the pelvis and leads us to shut down or work too much, leading to feelings of anxiety.When I learned this information (from Dr. Betsy Rippentrop’s ReMIND course), I felt such a sense of relief. Oh my God. There is nothing WRONG with me. I’m just human. I’m having human thoughts. I’m having a human experience. Just like everyone else. I can stop feeling bad about feeling bad. Ahhhhh.

There is another super impactful piece of knowledge that was a catalyst for developing self-compassion – learning about the ACE study. The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study is “one of the largest investigations ever conducted to assess associations between childhood maltreatment and later-life health and well-being.” (The Enlightened Marriage by Jed Diamond, PhD). The study found a strong link between childhood trauma and disease:

The CDC’s Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study) uncovered a stunning link between childhood trauma and the chronic diseases people develop as adults, as well as social and emotional problems. This includes heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes and many autoimmune diseases, as well as depression, violence, being a victim of violence, and suicide. (https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/)

What is really interesting is the “traumas” that they researched are things that many of us have gone through – things that are just a part of life in this point and time in the world: Getting slapped/spanked, parents getting divorced/separated, having an alcoholic parent, having a member of the family be depressed, etc.. You can see the full list of ACEs here: https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/.

For me, learning this information and getting my ACEs score helped me develop more kindness towards myself. I had never really considered myself as having undergone “Capital T Trauma” like severe abuse or a car accident or being orphaned, but when I learned this information I realized, “Oh Yeah. Little Heather did have to deal with some heavy stuff that she wasn’t ready for. She was just doing the best she could.”

I think it’s important for people to realize how these seemingly minor/commonplace things that we just write off as “part of being a kid” can have a big impact on our bodies, our minds, and our overall wellbeing. Once we have awareness of that, we can start to recognize the effects of trauma in our lives, give ourselves some grace, and then start figuring out what we need to do to heal the trauma.

Many experts, (Dr. Peter Levine and Scott Barry Kaufman PhD to name two) note that processing trauma can be a huge catalyst for growth and self-actualization – a concept called “Post-Traumatic Growth.” In Kaufman’s new workbook, “Choose Growth – A Workbook for Transcending Trauma, Fear, and Self-Doubt” he shares this quote from C.S. Lewis:

“Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.”

I love the promise of that quote!

If any of this resonates with you, and you want to start to process trauma, I invite you to explore one or several avenues out there to help heal trauma – mental health therapy, trauma-informed bodywork, journaling, talking to a trust friend who will just LISTEN and give you space. I have tried ALL of these methods; I’ve worked with a few different therapists, I’m working with a Somatic Experiencing Transformational Coach (and I’m in training to become a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner), I’m working through the Choose Growth workbook, I’m practicing listening to my body.

What I’ve found is that unwinding the effects of trauma takes time and patience, along with a big dose of self-acceptance, non-judgement, and curiosity. But subtly and surely, you will start to notice less constriction and more space, less fear and more curiosity, less rushing and more lingering. And more belief that you are on your way to an “extraordinary destiny”!

As I mentioned last week, I went to cranial sacral therapy (CST) training this week. If you’re a client of mine, you’ve likely experienced my cranial work, but this CST work is different. It involves a MUCH lighter touch. It’s a method of just sitting with the body, allowing two nervous systems to communicate, providing a listening presence and enabling the body to unwind what and when it wants. It can be a gentle way to start to process some of the trauma recorded in the body. If you are interested in doing a CST session, you can use the code “CRANIAL” for $15 off a session in October. Just book a Bodywork Session here.

If you have any questions or comments on any of this, don’t hesitate to reach out. I also offer free 15-minute consults if you want to chat about working together.

Space to be Human Lab
– Curious about Cranial? Get $15 off for the month of October (use code CRANIAL) when you book your session for the month of October.
– Remember that Meditation Medley class I was offering? Well, if you would like to check out a few different types of meditation (a tool that can also be helpful for processing trauma), as well as get some tips for developing your own practice, check out the recordings here.

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Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Massage Therapy, Meditation, Mindset, Yoga

Tramps, Pee, & Happy Fun Times

October 9, 2022 heather

What do you do, just for fun? Do you DO anything for fun? What do you think about fun? Is it just a “nice-to-have” or something you can experience only when you’re a kid or retired?

I just finished “Pieces and Bits” from “Codependent No More.” This is the chapter full of “miscellaneous tidbits about codependency and self-care.” Guess what she recommends for self-care?

FUN

Evidently it’s rather hard to have fun when we’re full of unprocessed emotions, super tense from trying to control our selves or others, and super self-conscious because we care SO MUCH what other people are thinking about us.

But Having Fun is key component of self-care! It can be the catalyst for getting us out of pain. Having fun helps us stay healthy. Having fun provides balance in our lives, and in doing so can help us be more productive. And we need to have fun because it’s FUN!

But what if we no longer know how to have fun?

What was fun for you when you were a kid?
- Racing your bike against your brothers? Watching Pee Wee’s Big Adventure in your PJs with your cousins? Staying up until 2AM finishing Lord of the Rings?
What gives you a little spark of excitement or nervousness when you think about doing it?
- Taking an art class? Striking up a conversation with a person you see on your morning walk every day? Joining a pickleball league?
What makes you jealous when you see someone else doing it?
- Hula hooping in front of a crowd? Wearing something that’s just a bit risqué? Hiking the Grand Canyon?

All those are clues as to what you might find fun. Sometimes you just need to TRY some things out and see what you think. See how you feel. When I first rode my Surly Ogre (a sturdy bike with big, fat tires), I was immediately transported back to being a 12-year-old and the feeling I got riding my blue Schwinn Predator into town with my dad and my brothers, intent on getting to Kardee’s ASAP so I could slice the taste buds off my tongue with a Jolly Rancher stick. Those trips into town on my bike were SO much fun, and every time I hop on my Ogre, I feel joy. I still love to ride my road bike too, but my Surly is FUN!!!!

Speaking of fun, jumping on a trampoline, laughing with friends, jogging in nature – these are all things that can be fun. But if you experience stress incontinence, these are all things you may avoid. Sorry for the awkward segue, but I know many of my clients and myself are in the perimenopausal/menopausal/post-menopausal stage where a little pee with sneezing or a lot of urgency with peeing becomes a real issue. I just listened to this podcast about the topic today and learned about some therapies that can make a HUGE difference to women. Of course they mention the benefits of pelvic floor physical therapy, but they also talk about things like mesh slings and Botox! It was a helpful episode from two well-credentialed women (The host is a menopause doctor, and she is interviewing a urologist), and they frankly discuss things often pushed under the rug (like the harm that acidic urine can do to sensitive vaginal skin). This episode AGAIN reminded me of the need to do weight training (grip strength is correlated to pelvic floor strength!). It’s so good for what ails ya, especially in these transition years.

I hope you have a fabulous Sunday; respond to this email and let me know what you did or ARE doing that is fun. I am always looking for good ideas .

Space to be Human Lab

I’m heading out for Cranial Sacral training tomorrow! I am super excited about bringing this nuanced work into my practice.

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Awakening, Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Massage Therapy, Meditation, Mindset, Pain, Yoga

Letting People Be Who They Are (and letting You be Who You Are)

September 18, 2022 heather

Have you ever heard of the book “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself”? I think anyone who has grown up around addiction (overdrinking, overeating, any compulsive disorder), anyone who is an empath or highly sensitive person, or anyone who grew up within an oppressive religion would find this book fascinating. I’m only about ½ the way through, and it’s already brought so much light to many of my unconscious behaviors.

What is codependency? Essentially, to quote the book, it’s “losing oneself in the name of helping another.” Does that sound familiar? For all my “healer” friends out there – what do you make of that??

Here are a few of the quotes that had me (a woman who has done a LOT of self-examination, therapy, shadow work, and coaching) squirming:

Note: In these quotes, the author, Melody Beattie, is describing the people she worked with in a support group for wives of addicts (interestingly, Ms. Beattie recognized many of these behaviors in herself too, and all of this was written without judgement):
“In my group, I saw people who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives.”
“I saw people who constantly gave to others but didn’t know how to receive.”
“Yet these codependents who had such great insight into others couldn’t see themselves. They didn’t know what they were feeling. They weren’t sure what they thought.”
“I saw people who manipulated because manipulation appeared to be the only way to get anything done. I worked with people who were indirect because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of tolerating honesty.”
“The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack.”
And here’s a quote that might strike home to fellow empaths or highly sensitive persons, “If my husband is happy, and I feel responsible for that, then I’m happy. If he’s upset, I feel responsible for that too. I’m anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better. I try to MAKE him feel better.”
“This book is about your most important and probably most neglected responsibility; taking care of yourself. It’s about what you can do to start feeling better.”

And it’s that last sentence that holds so much promise – even people who have lost themselves in taking care of others can feel joy and pleasure, they can find meaning and purpose, and they can reconnect with Self again. We need to start taking care of ourselves to find ourselves again. And how do we do that?

Here are a few concepts that struck me:

Let others to BE WHO THEY ARE (stop trying to control others – even if it’s with people-pleasing and niceness).
Let yourself be who YOU are.
I am responsible for myself.
I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs.
Don’t say Yes when you mean No.
Trust your feelings.
Build awareness around codependent behaviors, accept them without judgement (they helped you survive!), then you can work on letting go of the ones that aren’t in your best interests anymore.
Have gratitude for that which is good.

I’m a massage therapist. So why I am writing about codependency? Because of this:
“We may have started reacting and responding urgently and compulsively in patterns that hurt us. Just feeling urgent and compulsive is enough to hurt us. We keep ourselves in a crisis state – adrenaline flowing and muscles tensed, ready to react to emergencies that usually aren’t emergencies.”

TENSION IN THE MUSCLES CAN BE A DIRECT RESULT OF HABITUAL PATTERNS OF THINKING, REACTING, BEHAVING.

Since, as a codependent-in-recovery, I found this info so helpful, I wanted to share it with others. There IS hope for us! We can give ourselves more space and grace and in the process start to enjoy life again! We can start to disentangle ourselves and let others be who they are, and LET OURSELVES BE WHO WE ARE. That latter concept is what really grabs my attention. This is what so many of the wisdom traditions teach – the secret to a well-lived life is authenticity – saying what we mean, meaning what we say, doing what lights us up instead of what we think we “should” do.

Learning to get to know ourselves – our true Self – is one of the foundational goals of Somatic Experiencing. To help myself practice what I preach, I recently started working with Ariel Kiley, who is a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. Embodying this work is SO different than intellectualizing it. I’ve read so many books and listened to so many experts on trauma, but in two sessions with Ariel, I can FEEL what the books were trying SAY.

Last week we did a boundary exercise where Ariel had me tell her how close or how far away to get from the camera. I assumed I would like her to be closer to me, so I had her walk towards the camera. Then, just to experiment, I had her walk to one side, back to center, and then backwards. As she backed away, I noticed a palpable shift. I felt more calm, more at ease when she was a bit further away from the camera. It surprised the hell out of me – 1) That I actually FELT a somatic response to her distance in my body and 2) That my body had a different story to tell than my mind. She guided me to explore the sensations I was feeling – how did I KNOW that I was more comfortable with her at that distance? As I slowed down and let myself settle into my somatic experience, I noted a subtle pulsing around my solar plexus – the seat of power in the body.

Whoa. I’ve never felt that before. I felt power WITHIN MYSELF. Instead of searching outward to see what the situation or the other person needs from me, I was able to settle in myself and see what I need.

It blew me away that such a simple exercise could be so powerful.

This story is just to show you that you CAN discover yourself. It takes work. It’s uncomfortable. You won’t be good at it to start. But it’s worth it!

And every time you get bodywork, or you meditate, or you stay with a feeling or a sensation and don’t numb it, you are doing that hard work. You are embarking on the journey of rediscovering who you are, what you feel, what you think, what you desire, and what you need. And when you get those little pings – “Hmm, I feel like I need to take a break and put my feet in the grass for 2 minutes,” honor that ping and see what happens. When you feel yourself reaching for some distraction, ask yourself, “What do I really need right now?” And just see what comes up, if anything.

I hope you have STUPENDOUS SUNDAY! We have visitors next week, so I won’t be sending a newsletter. If you miss me terribly though, you can always find messages from me here. 😛

Space to be Human Lab

I’ve updated the description of my services on my booking site. What used to be called “Massage Therapy/NST” is now called “Bodywork Session.” A bodywork session can include massage therapy/NST, but it can also include yoga, mindful movement, self-massage, breath work, meditation. All of these tools can help reduce pain and tension. If any of these tools strikes your fancy, let me know, and during your next session, we can explore them.

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Habit Change, Health & Fitness, Massage Therapy, Meditation, Mindset, Pain, Yoga

Are you a Creator?

September 11, 2022 heather

I listened to a really fascinating podcast yesterday with Bruce Lipton. Bruce Lipton is a stem cell biologist, who around the age of 40, realized that we are not determined by our DNA. In his research, he noted that stem cells would become muscles cells if placed in one culture medium, bone cells if placed in a different culture medium, or skin cells if placed in a different medium. The cells themselves were all the same thing; they had all the exact same DNA, but they expressed themselves differently based on the solution they were put into.

From this observation, Dr. Lipton realized that we are not victims of the DNA we carry. The soup that our cells sit in affects how our genes express themselves (a concept called epi-genetics). And we do have quite a bit of control over the soup in which our cells swim. Our brains are constantly thinking thoughts that release different chemicals into the petri dish within our skin.

Try this experiment:

Think about your first crush. Or your most recent crush. Think back to that time when your heart started to pound when your object of affection entered the room. Remember how you couldn’t take your eyes off of him or her. What happened when that person came close to you – maybe even just brushing lightly against or shoulder? Remember how it felt to catch their eye, and your heart just utterly stops.

What is going on inside your body right now? Are you suddenly warmer? A bit breathless maybe? Feeling some tingles?

Ok.

Now think about a project you’ve been putting off – something you really, really don’t want to do, but you have to do it. But UGH. You SO don’t want to.

What are you feeling now? What happened to the state of tension in your body? What happened to your breath?

Can you see how your internal environment completely changed, but NOTHING CHANGED IN YOUR EXTERNAL ENVIRONMENT?! With your mind you were changing the hormones cascading through your blood, you were altering the PH of your blood by changing your breath, you were modifying the forces on your cells by changing the level of tension in your muscles. You created a completely altered inner world just by changing where you focused your attention.

Whoa.

How does this factor in to our pain experience?

I recently started physical therapy to help with some chronic low back pain. In the first session, the PT ran me through several assessments and noted that according to his testing, I don’t have any disc issues. I IMMEDIATELY felt a sense of relief and a lessening of pain. Absolutely nothing in my physical structure changed, yet my pain experience changed, because my thoughts changed.

Not to say that thoughts are the only input into our experience of pain or sickness. The external environment (what we breathe and eat) has an impact, as does the quality of our relationships. Our belief in a higher power, doing work we find meaningful, being active and moving our bodies – all these things contribute to the experience of pain in our body. But those pesky thoughts are pretty darn influential.

But what can we do about our thoughts?

First of all, you can just start to notice them. Build awareness of your thoughts. You can start to map out what’s going on in your head by breaking down your stories. I recently took a class on Emotional Intelligence, and it reiterated that the first step in developing your emotional intelligence is self-awareness. I thought I was pretty self-aware, but I utterly failed the pre-test. Feelings/emotions/moods were all jumbled up in my awareness.

So, if you’re like me and don’t really understand what you are thinking and feeling, you can experiment with breaking down what’s going on in your head into the following categories:

Event
Something that happens.
“It hurts when I try to bend over and put my socks on.”
Interpretation
Your thought about the thing that happened.
“Shit. My back is a hot mess, and I might need surgery.”
Feeling
Physiological sensations in your body.
“My heart is racing. I feel a bit shaky. My shoulders are tense.”
Emotion
Name the emotion you are feeling.
“I am doing Anxiety.”

Mapping out your thoughts like this can help you start to build awareness around them. And then eventually you can start working with that Interpretation section and start to explore possible other stories that might create a more positive “soup” for your cells to live in. Like, when I bend over and my back hurts, I can think, “Thanks for the reminder to do my exercises to strengthen my back.” And then I feel a sense of openness and warmth, and the emotion of calmness.

What stories could you notice today? What happens when you start to slow them down, pick them apart, and name the sensations you are feeling and the emotion you are experiencing? Here’s a sheet that will give you some language for describing sensations.

And with that, I’m signing off. Happy Sunday from soggy and chilly Iowa. AUTUMN IS COMING!!

Space to be Human Lab

Do you want to feel more relaxed, more present, more aware and appreciative of the beauty around you? When we are in this state (called the parasympathetic state), our body can heal and renew itself, leading to decreased pain and improved performance. You can book a therapy session with me here; we can work together (aka co-create!) to find what tools and techniques you need to feel better in your body.

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